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Post by barclay on Jan 17, 2012 23:03:48 GMT -7
Finally (7 years after the divorce) I feel ready to venture into relationship land again and have joined a local on-line dating service. There are some interesting people and I've made some contacts, but I haven't mentioned that I am missing a leg.
So, Friday I have my first meeting with a guy - we are going to play tennis. My experience is that people don't notice even when my legs are bare, so, if I wear sweatpants, I can probably get away with not saying anything - but I am not sure if this is the right way to go.
I would be really happy to have your input on this!
Thanks,
Cynthia
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Post by allenuk on Jan 18, 2012 6:25:54 GMT -7
In an ideal world, you could lay EVERYTHING about yourself on the line in the first instant, and no-one would have any problems with that.
This isn't an ideal world.
I would not tell him immediately, but quite soon afterwards. (Meet him, play tennis, tell him how much better you used to be when you had two legs... by then he'll either accept it and not care, or if he can't accept it and does care, he's probably not worth the effort!)
Best wishes,
A.
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Post by stonecutter on Jan 18, 2012 22:40:42 GMT -7
That's a real tough one. Maybe wait and make sure the guys not a "douche"! If he is - no worries. If you think things might work out - I think I'd wait just long enough to feel comfortable with each other so that it won't become an issue. What I mean is that if people find out first thing - they are always asking, Are you okay? Do you need help with that? If he sees you as normal, and then learns the reality - you'll continue to be normal...
Does that make sense? I know what I want to say, just not sure if it's coming across...
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Post by cherylm on Jan 19, 2012 1:29:22 GMT -7
I like Allen's suggestion that you bring it up casually AFTER you've been out there playing tennis...that gives you the "plus" of having made it clear that you're "healthy and active" before discussing the amputation. If he can't adjust fairly quickly knowing that...if the leg becomes an issue and he backs off or starts to resort to the sort of questions and concerns that Stonecutter mentioned, then you know that this is not "the guy" for you.
Good luck and have fun!
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Post by barclay on Jan 19, 2012 22:39:25 GMT -7
I'm off the hook - he has a cold and cancelled :-)
Thanks for your thoughts, and stonecutter, your post was absolutely clear. My inclination is also to let people see me in action before telling them so that their preconceptions don't get in the way. I'm glad to know that others see it this way! I was worried about giving the impression that I was trying to hide something.
It's great to have this forum!
Best
Cynthia
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Post by barclay on Jan 19, 2012 22:52:09 GMT -7
And..Allen - I actually play better now - can you believe that ? With me, the pressure I used to put myself under to be 'perfect' hurt my playing far more than the leg does!
At the hobby level, the balls are slow enough that you don't need the perfect footwork of the pros. And, 90% of the shots you need to run for you can get to if you anticipate well. Not many hobby players can disguise where they are aiming the ball, so I go where I think the ball is going to go and by staring early, I can get there in time. I can also hit the ball back in a high loop to give myself more time to move.
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Post by gerberadaisy on Jan 20, 2012 18:12:17 GMT -7
I think I am with Stonecutter on this one. It does make sense what he says... The other thing that crossed my mind was that when we start dating later on in life, be that after divorce or any long term relationship really, we have some life experience behind us. We have scars when we have loved and lost something. My point being that some people have lost things in life that are visible to the naked eye, other losses are not so visible... We don't all bear, all our losses on the table at first encounter with someone. You do if and when the time is right...
My advice, when he's over the cold, just go out and have a great game of tennis...!!! Have fun and the rest will follow Cynthia.
Hope you land a BIG fish...
Penny.
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ann58
Female Member 
Posts: 278
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Post by ann58 on Jan 21, 2012 9:37:42 GMT -7
Is there a chance he found out before U had a chance to tell him about it? People can be most cruel & afraid of what is foreign to them. Just a good idea to meet; have a great meal & conversation and then break it to him gently. This might not be the correct way, but is the way I would probably handle it. Hope things work out for U......  |
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Post by allenuk on Feb 29, 2012 1:28:06 GMT -7
Barclay: did you ever play that game of tennis? Do tell!
A.
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Post by barclay on Mar 1, 2012 20:17:59 GMT -7
No, the gent wrote to say that he had met someone.
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Post by allenuk on Mar 2, 2012 2:20:49 GMT -7
No gent, then.
A
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Post by barclay on Mar 3, 2012 4:47:44 GMT -7
I don't know about that, the purpose of the boards is to meet someone and while you are getting to know one person, it's OK I think to chat with others. I'm happy for him and honestly, it would have surprised me if he and I had hit it off. It is so hard to get a real feeling for someone from the profiles and emails that I am more inclined to meet with people - in person it's usually clear in the first couple of minutes.
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Post by allenuk on Mar 3, 2012 9:36:23 GMT -7
You are a good and understanding person, and I hope you find all you're looking for.
A.
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Post by vorail on Jul 7, 2016 23:45:05 GMT -7
this is the exact question our blind users have asked, when doing online dating (or applying for a job), should i say upfront i am blind, or try to create a connection before sharing this part of me. could be interesting for amputees and blind users to mingle (in voice)?
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alexv
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by alexv on Mar 29, 2021 19:26:07 GMT -7
I was dating two beautiful women before My leg amputation (Aug.) and we continue to be friends but I am self centered and shy about any kind of relationship now. (I used to play tennis).
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