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Post by barclay on Jan 5, 2013 5:31:30 GMT -7
I just found this on my computer, it brought back memories....
As the gears and cogs of the second hand move the minute hand move the hour hand, so the events have taken place which bring the moment when the anesthesiologist tells me to count backwards from ten. When I awake again, my left leg will have been severed from my body and beyond this I have no image of what I will be like, what I will feel; it’s a void into which I am slowly drawn with each tick of the clock.
I was scared.
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Post by stonecutter on Jan 5, 2013 11:44:53 GMT -7
That's profound. I don't have a similar story. I was pretty hopped up on morphine and I saw it as an end to the immense pain I was suffering. Couldn't wait for it to happen, and the having the 'appointment' with the OR at 9:00 circumvented for over eight hours due to emergent surgeries seemed like torture too.
But when I woke up and saw that empty spot where my left foot should be... That wasn't a great feeling and I felt a lot of regret AND pain and was feeling inadequate as a 'whole' person as I tried to get the idea I being an amputee right in my own mind.
As soon as I was moved out of acute care and admitted to the nearby rehabilitation hospital with patients in my condition -- or worse off -- I started my mental recovery.
Thanks for sharing this. It's a great post.
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Post by cherylm on Jan 6, 2013 2:15:56 GMT -7
That is quite a poetic summary of what does indeed sound like a scary time. It really made me think. You know, my own night before the amp was oddly calm. I've been told by many friends and family members that I sounded strangely relieved when I told them that I'd decided to let the doctors amputate. The only thing I remember now is that I truly WAS relieved to have reached a point where I'd finally be out of pain and "back to normal." It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be OK after the surgery. I don't know why...I've always been the unfortunate klutz who had every possible complication in the world develop with any illness or injury to come my way. Maybe the amputation was just something so final that I was relieved at not having to worry about my left foot any more?
At any rate, I only had one very brief moment where I felt "hopeless." It came one day in rehab, when I was waiting in the gym to work with my therapist. I probably cried for five or ten minutes, and then it was over. All around that one episode, and ever since, I've just worked my butt off to get/keep myself as active and "out there" as possible. I'd never thought of myself as particularly strong until I had to face the job of recovering from the surgery...I now feel I can overcome almost any obstacle. Weird..............................
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ann58
Female Member 
Posts: 278
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Post by ann58 on Jan 6, 2013 22:11:45 GMT -7
I was also very High on Drugs the night before...if fact it was never discussed with me very much. My poor hubby & my family had to take the facts the Dr. offered and decide. U see I had also just had a very serious surgery 2 1/2 wks. before due to a blocked aorta {which caused my amputation} ME, I just wanted the pain gone & go home to my dog Winston. This was my first illness & it was a dosie. ann
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Post by ann- on Jan 7, 2013 2:48:09 GMT -7
Its Something that wasn't discussed with me either Ann, am told it was my mother that made the decision and signed, but was told if she hadn't I wouldn't have made it, I was quite young and completely out of it but am pleased she did what she did.
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ann58
Female Member
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Post by ann58 on Jan 7, 2013 15:55:00 GMT -7
Ann, same with me. Doctor told them I wouldn't survive if it wasn't amputated. Now off to finish dinner. If I have the time correct UR sound asleep.  PS: actually kind of glad in a way, I didn't have to be the one to say the words....maybe I'm just a wimp. |
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Post by barclay on Jan 7, 2013 22:19:09 GMT -7
I think that the fact that I had to choose the amputation was an additional reason for my fear - had I made the right choice ? (Most of the doctor's here would have waited until the infections were life threatening (three years of treatment with 9 operations at the time), only the one who's brother is a doc at the rehab center said the amputation was the sensible thing to do).
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Post by cherylm on Jan 8, 2013 1:02:44 GMT -7
I was really lucky that way...I was given a choice--either try the most promising of the fracture repair procedures again, with a long, llooonnngg time in a cast afterward, or go ahead and amputate now. I was warned that another breakdown and infection would most likely be fatal, but they gave me the choice...and they made it clear that my wishes would be respected no matter which choice I made. When I hear about folks who had to battle their doctors in order to find someone who was willing to do an amputation, it just makes me feel ill. For so many folks in terrible pain, it really is a real--if very sad--solution.
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Post by allenuk on Jan 8, 2013 3:45:08 GMT -7
I've always seen the world through rose-tinted spectacles, and it was the same that day. I thought things would get better!
What a mug.
No, seriously, I suppose they did in many ways, it was just that I didn't anticipate the spin-off problems, like weight gain - not that I'm blaming the absence of the leg. I still have to lift the fork to my mouth, and I'm good at that.
A
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Post by barclay on Jan 8, 2013 13:29:13 GMT -7
well, it's good to be good at things.... ?
I know now that it was the right choice - at least there is that. I even play tennis better with the prosthesis as I am better balanced (believe it or not, before the amputation, I walked on the outside edge of the foot). I think that helps a lot - knowing that the alternative was worse.
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Post by dawnbbka on Jan 9, 2013 2:13:03 GMT -7
OMG. The night before my first amputation for the leg was a nightmare. I had already went through 5 operations to try and save it. First it was two toes, then another and another, then to the ankle and finally the leg. My husband had just left the hospital with my daughters and I was all alone. I started to cry and then cried so hard I began to hyperventilate. I called the nurse and told her I couldn't go through with it. I was hysterical crying, talking, pacing. The nurse called the doc who ordered Valium. I was given a shot of that and fell asleep pretty quick. I was fine with the surgery the next morning realizing it was going to end all the pain an surgeries and let me get on with my life.
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Post by allenuk on Jan 9, 2013 2:23:18 GMT -7
Sounds normal, dawn. In my case it is (was) a failure of the imagination. A useful trait, sometimes...
A
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Post by trinityhaight on Jan 10, 2013 10:33:16 GMT -7
I can honestly say that I understand completely what you are going through. I lost my left leg due to trauma in 1973, and remember it like it was yesterday, the night before, and the morning of. I remember waking up and seeing iv bottles and blood bottles.(yes bottles!) Then I looked down and saw only one foot sticking up. I was 9 years old at the time. My heart goes out too you. Sending you a big hug...
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Post by allenuk on Jan 10, 2013 13:49:20 GMT -7
I had a local (nowadays called 'regional') anaesthetic, for various reasons. There was a big TV screen next to my head, which the anaesthetist told me I could watch, if I was that interested.
I WASN'T that interested, I'm afraid, and kept my head averted from the action down the other end. At least I didn't wake up to a surprise, though.
(Why a local? Well, anecdotally at the time, although over the years it has become more accepted by the medics, it was alleged to keep phantom pains away, and for the past 8 years it's worked. Touch wood).
A
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Post by greyhnd on Jan 30, 2013 22:11:28 GMT -7
I was fortunate to have a surgeon that took time to explain the procedure and give me a pep talk. I also had lots of good support from my family and friends, both before and after the amputation. Gangrene had set in and my foot was a complete mess, so I really had no choice and I was tired of dragging the nasty rotten foot around. I was nervous, but never scared about the actual surgery. But as someone else said, when I woke up and there was an empty space where my left foot had been, reality made it's first appearance. I wasn't sure what life was going to be like, but I was determined to keep at it, work hard at PT, and get back up on two feet.
I knew I'd recover and worked my tail off to do so. From the time I got home from the hospital I started doing things I wasn't supposed to do. I got on my crutches and walked every day, did my own grocery shopping and laundry. I also took care of 6 retired racing greyhounds by myself, 3 times a day. The surgeon gave me a bunch of pain pills and I only used 3 of them. I just used ibuprofen and it seemed the more active I stayed the less the pain.
I also had a stump revision surgery in 2010 and I thought it would be a breeze. Seems to me the second time wasn't as easy as the original amputation. I think because I worked so hard the first time I didn't think I'd have to to it all over again. I got too cocky, but that's another story for another time.
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Post by allenuk on Jan 31, 2013 4:25:14 GMT -7
Which goes to prove, Greyhnd, if it needed proving, that it's what's between your ears that counts for so much.
Wish I'd had your drive!
A
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Post by grigoryevich on Jun 21, 2013 13:21:56 GMT -7
I have just attended my pre-amp consultations and have to say that I now feel strangely calm about it all. I do not yet have a date for my second amp but it approaches. It is also to be done using spinal block and I certainly do not want to watch. This is not such a bad thing as last general I had, I mixed up 5 different languages for first hours after coming round and then could only speak Russian for rest of day. Not useful in the UK! LOL
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Post by wildman on Jun 29, 2013 2:11:12 GMT -7
When I got shot I never once thought I was going to die or anything. I was awake up until they got me to the hospital and had me up on a table and were cutting my clothes off. Because I have been thinking about this amputation now for 9 years off and on I feel pretty relieved. Now I am not laying there in the hospital bed yet so I can't say what my frame of mind will be. Just the fact that it has taken me all this time to find a doctor willing to amp my leg. I have wished that anyone of the doctors who told me NO could live with my leg and pain for a week. I really feel they would change their minds.
I watched them replace my ACL in my left leg and watched them clean the wound in my leg but I don't know that I would want to watch them cut my leg off. I had all the toes in my right foot pinned 2 years ago because of them being so hammer toed. That was a painful surgery and even with the pins my toes are curled again just at the outer joint now. All of you are my hero's because you all have dealt with your amp and have continued on.
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Post by katsreal on Jan 10, 2014 16:31:58 GMT -7
I just found this on my computer, it brought back memories.... As the gears and cogs of the second hand move the minute hand move the hour hand, so the events have taken place which bring the moment when the anesthesiologist tells me to count backwards from ten. When I awake again, my left leg will have been severed from my body and beyond this I have no image of what I will be like, what I will feel; it’s a void into which I am slowly drawn with each tick of the clock. I was scared. |
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Post by katsreal on Jan 10, 2014 17:07:52 GMT -7
WOW as I read this I jump back nine months! My decision to amputate was made within 30 minutes in the Doc's office. But this is after 4 years of trying to get rid of an infection after a total knee replacement, after various antibiotics, 7 pic lines, 20-25 surgeries every pain medication known to man and many night before surgery prayers left unanswered! I guess you could say it was a pretty easy decision. Now all I have to do is adjust which I am finding difficult. I am grateful I have not been back in the hospital for nine months but thats all I'm grateful for. I question my decision if you can believe that! I wake each day and just go through the motions , I feel like I have not fully excepted my situation. I feel alone most of the time but I hope by posting this I will meet people just like me with life problems like mine who can share their experience. Well I guess thats all for now, Take Care, Katsreal
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Post by cherylm on Jan 11, 2014 2:03:12 GMT -7
Katsreal, I'll tell you that, while I was basically OK with the idea of the amputation, and I worked really hard at recovery afterward, there were times during that recovery where I had to keep reminding myself that losing the leg had truly made an improvement in my life. Similar to your situation, I'd been through several attempts to save the leg, had had pic lines, massive antibiotics, progressive styles of casts and mobility aids, way waaay too many surgeries, etc., etc......
So I'd wake up in the morning, do my exercises, put my leg on, wheel around in my chair for a while, and then PRACTICE WALKING. That was the point where I'd go through an emotional roller-coaster ride...mainly because I kept insisting on thinking that I "ought to be further along" than I was. I'd get up out of the chair, walk as far as I could before petering out, then think: "Gosh...I walked the entire length of my sofa today...that's really exciting...but it's such a stupid thing to be excited about...how pathetic is it to be proud of walking six feet...what a loser I must be.........." And it would go on and on--thrilled to be upright and feeling that it was still useless BECAUSE I WASN'T ABLE TO DO MORE. If I walked twice the length of the sofa the next day, I would get excited about improving and then crash into a pit of despair because who gets excited about walking twelve feet......
My salvation was that folks around me kept reminding me that "walking twelve feet is a heck of a lot better than being dead." And the fact that I DID keep working at it, and did keep improving, helped. And then I was able to walk the fifty yards to my mailbox, rest for a while, and walk back home again...and I was STILL occasionally doing the emotional roller-coaster thing. Ditto for everything I did, for many months, until I finally started back to work and had more than just being one-legged to think about. By then, it was starting to occur to me that adjusting to losing a leg was not something that happened quickly...you didn't just "pop on a prosthesis and skip off into the sunset." I finally started setting long-term goals and objectives, without putting timelines on them. And when I reached each goal, I actually let myself enjoy the accomplishment!
It took me a full year to feel basically "mobile and normal again"...and another year before I really felt comfortable with my prosthesis...and now, nine years later, I've had years of a fully active and normal life and consider the amputation to be a truly good experience, in that it helped me regain my health and open me up to really LIVING life.
Give it time, and put in all the work you need to...you'll find your way through the challenges and come out stronger for it...I promise.
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