Grieving after limb loss

[dawnbbka]

Hello everyone,
I was not a traumatic limb amputation. Both of my lower legs were progressively amputated. First it was the two toes on both feet. It advanced to my right ankle, to a low BKA, then a high BKA. I didn't think too much about it and went on with life as usual. But there was always this void I felt. I couldn't put my finger on it but noticed my attitude/personality had changed. I was irritable, snapping at everyone, crying at the drop of a hat. no patience, didn't want anyone to help me. etc. After going through this process all over again with the second leg, I became severely depressed. had suicidal thoughts and plans but didn't have the guts to carry them out. I knew I needed help. The psychiatrist I had went through told me she felt I never allowed myself to grieve. I had went on with life like nothing had changed. I was still that adrenaline junkie, faced paced, give me more action type of person. After seeing the therapist for a few months and feeling a little bit better, she asked me to write a good bye letter. I said "Good bye letter"? She said yes, a good bye letter to both of the legs and the life I lived with them. I went home, thinking what the heck am I supposed to write? The first sentence was Dear legs, thank you for being with me for 35 years. and the rest kept coming...Thank you for allowing me to climb trees when I was a kid, swim the fastest on my high school swim team and on and on and on. The ending was kind of like...Sorry we can no longer go on together. It is for the best that I let you go. I cried and cried and cried so much and so hard.
When I returned to the therapist, I read the letter and cried some more. That letter changed my life and allowed me to open a new chapter without legs.

[happyem]

Beautifully put Dawn. I'm sorry you had such a tough journey and full of admiration that you found the courage to ask for and accept help when you needed it. Determination/stubbornness can take us so far, but only truly lets us achieve when it's tempered with humility

[allenuk]

Dawn.
That is a very moving account, and I am so glad that you found something that gave you help when you needed it.

I haven't felt that need, but there is something similar in my life at present, and I'm going to try writing a letter to 'it' to see if it helps me, too!

Thanks.


Allen.

[grigoryevich]

Dawn. Thank you for that very moving post. I would not dare to write to my legs. They would answer back and say that if I had not done such silly things they would still be OK!

[katsreal]

Hi this is my first post because I relate so much to the feelings! I am a UKA and I am having a very rough time adjusting to my life as it is now. Its been nine months since my amputation of my right leg above the knee. I wake up and I don't know what to do with my self! In reading this I have decided to go and talk to a therapist. I've tried to find groups in my area and have been to 3 and find a low turn out and in one they tried to sell me some all natural oils. I was very disappointed and I feel very alone right now. Maybe someone has some advice on how they adjusted etc. i would be very grateful, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL! Kat

[cherylm]

Well hi Kat, and welcome to our little group. I missed the original post from Dawn, but her therapist had a good idea, there...losing any part of yourself can be a trauma and it can indeed seem like an actual "death" of a part of yourself that you've depended on--and been quite fond of--for your entire life. Grieving that loss in some sort of formal way can help you adjust to your new reality. If you think a therapist can help you through that process, go for it!

In my case, I held a little "mental funeral" for my amputated left leg. It was a sort of a "Viking funeral" ceremony, where I pictured my battered leg laid out on a wooden ship which had been set afire and floated down a river, while heralds blew trumpets and choirs sang odes to the leg's battles and bravery. It actually did make a difference to me.

Do whatever you need to in order to say farewell to your leg and make the adjustments needed to get past "wondering what to do with yourself" and progressing to "doing it." It really IS possible!

[snarfler]

What I did was a bit insane. The disease that took my leg is still killing me to this day. Some day it will get me but not until I'm ready to let it. I was told by my doctors to put my affairs in order as I had only 6 to 8 weeks to live. My leg had been amputated. There was no prostheses just a wheelchair.

Then to everyone's surprise I lived but what would my quality of life be? I had been extremely active. When not on a job somewhere I was in, on or near the ocean. When people came to visit it was more out of mourning. Finally I refused all visitors. Life as I knew it was over for me. All my life I had been successful. My battle cry, "No retreat No surrender" had given me courage. Now here I was going gentle into that good night.

I thought of myself as nothing more than a Jelly Fish with no direction blowing in and out with the tide. In life one must learn to lead, follow or get the hell out of the way. You either get busy living or you get busy dying. You don't wash up on the rocks. I had to do something but what? I sat on my shower chair and drew the curtain. As I sat there, I chambered a hollow point round into the breach of a 38 Special.

I spun and slammed the breach then placed the gun under my chin and pulled the trigger. Instead of a bang I heard a click. I recall saying out loud, "Right then". I set the gun on a counter and had a hot shower. The next day I began working like a rented Mule on my rehabilitation. I got a leg. My previously ever widening ass began to shrink. My muscles came back.

I discovered other amputation survivors and traded secrets and tips. I survived. That was some Twenty years ago and I've never looked back. Life was never the same again because now I got to know you people and you are the most wonderful people on Earth