Hi, brandy, and welcome to our little "family." You are
not alone here, although some of your "side issues" are more substantial than many of us face. (Does it sound odd to hear of renal failure and cancer referred to as "side issues?") Well, since we
are an amputee site, the amputation is naturally "our" first concern and we'll do all we can to help you get through that situation...and also do whatever we can to be supportive about the other problems.
I'm also a BK amputee and a severe bone infection was the final straw that cost me my left foot and ankle. Like you, I went through everything my doctors suggested to try and save the leg...however, the time came when the choice was to make yet another attempt at a previously failed procedure or amputate. They actually left that decision up to me (although they
did say that another flare-up of the infection would likely kill me)...and after giving it some thought, I chose the amputation. For
me, that proved to be a
good choice. It totally removed the infected bone, got rid of the mind-boggling pain I'd been in, and it let me go back to living a normal life.
It sounds like your own "normal" life will still have some pretty major complications in it...but I can't help but think that your doctors wouldn't have done the amputation if they didn't think it would provide some improvement in your situation. (Doctors generally do
not like to amputate, so there must have been a good reason to do so.) Were you having major pain issues with the bone infection? Was it among the things that were zapping your energy? Did it keep you confined to home? Can you think of ways that losing the leg might make
other parts of your life "more normal?" If your rehab is going fairly well, what are the healing issues that aren't going as well? Anything you can share can give us more of an idea of what you might need!
A lot of us "put on a happy face" after going through the loss of a limb. In part, that's because we don't want to let our family and friends down, in part it's because we're scared of "what might happen next" and we're trying to keep our
own confidence up. In reality, you've lost a part of yourself, you were probably very fond of having that leg, and you're going to be going through the same signs of grief that you might if you lost anything or anyone else you were fond of. Please know that, like any other grieving, this will get better with time. If there's any of those feelings you can share with your family, that might help...and you're always welcome to talk about it here!
You say that you're "going to go through" being fitted for a new leg and learning to walk again. It sounds like you might be thinking of that as just another unpleasant "chore" to have to get through...am I right about that, or am I mistaken? I'm pretty sure that you are very,
very tired of dealing with medical situations, all things considered, but a new leg
might be the thing that actually
allows you to be "alert, awake, and feeling great."
A prosthetic fitting is not a particularly bad or tiring experience...as long as you can openly communicate with your leg team, it can be kind of exciting to see how they can accommodate you and improve your mobility. Learning to walk can be tiring
to begin with, but it's also quite uplifting to be independent again. And do know that: 1)
a prosthesis that fits correctly will not hurt and 2) a prosthesis that fits correctly
will prove to be easy to learn to walk with and will
not be likely to "zap energy" in the course of everyday living. There will be a "slowish" break-in period (and yes, you'll tire out periodically for the first part of that period), but you get back in shape pretty quickly. And also 3) if using a prosthesis on its own doesn't quite "work" for you, you have every right to use whatever combination of mobility aids (canes, crutches, walkers, knee-walker, wheelchair,
whatever)will let you live that alert, awake, and great-feeling life you want. Whatever gets you there is a success!
You know your own medical situation...if you realistically do have only a few years left, you owe it not only to your daughter, but to
yourself, to live those years as fully and vibrantly as you can!