Seeking advice..

[seekingadvice]

Hello, all-

My best friend was just in a catastrophic accident, and is currently fighting for his life in the hospital. When he wakes up, (he's still sedated) he will discover that he is now a double (below the knee) amputee. I am devastated, and still worried for him- he is not out of the woods yet, and we don't know about cognitive damage, or other complications either.

I am obviously feeling pretty useless right now, since there's nothing I can do for him currently, so I am looking ahead. I WILL be part of his recovery process, and I am determined to be the best supporter I can. I've been researching the emotional aspects of amputation, but most articles I've seen are written for the amputee themselves. 

I would love some advice on how to be the best friend to him I can. Do's and don'ts, links that will help me understand (as best I can- I know I won't fully understand) what his perspective will be, or how his personality might change, etc. 

Anything will help, but personal advice from people who have lived / are living it would be amazing. Have well-meaning friends/family done things that made you feel bad, or made things worse? What have people done that you really appreciated? Do you have pet peeves about the ways other people interact with you? Is there anything I should be prepared for that I might not expect?

If someone could have talked to your family and friends before your amputation, what do you wish they would have told them?

Thanks for your consideration. 

[snowyh]

What a good friend you are, seekingadvice. Your friend is lucky to have you in his camp. My guess is that you'll be going through some adjustments yourself as they relate to your relationship, but that's not what you asked about. First of all, EVERYONE'S DIFFERENT, so some/none/all of the following may apply:

He'll be going through the 5 stages of grief--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Even though it was an accident, you should expect him to experience some anger for what happened--maybe directed at himself, maybe at someone/something else. Don't try to explain away why he shouldn't be feeling what he's feeling, as it's a necessary part of the healing process. Be a sounding board for him to express his feelings, but remember he just needs to be heard... he's not looking for anyone to "fix" his situation (not that you could...).

DOs and DON'Ts

Don't expect him to be all better (physically or psychologically) by Labor Day, or Christmas, etc. The stages of grief are not linear; he will probably move back and forth between all of them multiple times before he spends most of his time in "acceptance," and it could even take years. I don't know how old your friend is, but in my experience children have the easiest time adjusting, and teens and young adults maybe the hardest (just my opinion). Again, everyone's different. Be patient.

Don't automatically assume he will not be able to do something! If he went white-water rafting with you every summer, don't say, "Man, we're sure going to miss you next year when we raft the Colorado." Let HIM decide what his limitations are. I had been taking piano lessons before I lost my arm, and when I got home from the hospital I found my parents had gotten rid of my piano--they thought that my seeing it every day would have reminded me of what I could no longer do, when really it just made me sad and a little pissed because I had completely expected to continue playing with one hand. At the time I was also taking a typing class in school ("keyboard skills" for you youngsters), and the teacher gave me an 'A' without expecting me to complete any of the exercises. Geez--have a little faith, you guys!

Do offer to help him around the house, as he'll be in a wheelchair for a while. If he lives alone, he could use some help with everyday tasks or in adapting the house to make it easier for him to do things for himself (wheelchair ramp, widening doors, shower lift/bench/grab bars, etc.) Offer to drive him places or run errands for him until he's up on his own two "feet" again.

Let him know you've done a little research and come across some resources that may be helpful to him--this forum for one--but don't push. First he's got to heal a little before he starts thing about climbing back into the saddle. He'll ask when he's ready.

That's all that comes to mind just now. Good luck!

Helen